I remember talking with another mom when my kids were 6 years old. She was upset with her 6 year old for not always putting away her clean laundry when asked. This was quite an eye-opener for me. I never expected my kids to put away their laundry at all at that age. It was overwhelming just getting them to put their shoes and socks on in the morning to get out the door to school.
This conversation was the beginning of an unfolding revelation for me that my kids were not developing the same way that some other kids were.
Knowing what I know now, I wish someone had told me sooner: Don't expect your child to develop at the same pace as children without ADHD. In some areas, your child may be ahead of others, and in other areas, your child may lag far behind. The key is to meet your child when he or she is and work patiently and without stress on building skills. This is easier said than done, particularly if you are in a hurry!
In our case, it took leaving public school and deciding to homeschool to free our family from the pressure. I know this option is not open to many of us, so I would like to know:
What strategies have you found for helping your child meet expectations at home and at school?
I know as an ADD Mom with a child that is ADD I err on the side of caution when equating much of the behavior of my tween (12 years) on the ADHD. I came up in a time when ADD wasn't given as a diagnosis. I also had some minor reading comprehension issues as well. Now at some point after remedial reading and feeling pretty dumb I turned a corner and went on to strive. I say all of that to say that I refuse to put my son in a box because he has or hasn't caught up to what society thinks he should.
I try to let my son know that in spite of any obstacles he has to face he has to do his best and trust God to provide him with all he needs to succeed. You know he is a miracle any way in that he was born way too early and has hardly made it onto the growth charts. At this day in time he is just now approaching almost 70 pounds and is about 4 ft 5 in give or take. I absolutely disliked being told by the Doctors that he would eventually catch up or maybe he wouldn't. My son has always marched to the beat of his own drum and done things in his own time. Do I as Mom sometime wish and pray that after the hundredth time remember to take the darn garbage and recycle out? Yes because on the flip side of that when it is something that he is really excited about I will get reminded to death about it. I call that his selective listening, doing and remembering.
I frustratedly march on and hold him to the same standards I always have which is to not forget his responsibilities and remember that the medication will only take him so far. I let him know that I will love him no matter what but I expect him to do as he should school-wise as well as everything else.
I know this is a long-winded response but I find to fight the fights I can win. My son thrived in Christian Private School and he thrives in Public School. I stay involved and like many of you keep on his teachers about how he learns and who he is as a person. I have so much love and respect for teachers but realize that they can't and in some cases won't get to know the individual that my child or any other child may be. That is where I believe I can be an advocate for my son.
How ever you all do it know that it will and should always be based on what you as a family believe is best for your child. Given the obstacles my son has had to endure as he enters his 13th year has me focused on the young man he is to become and not who someone wants him to be. He has some perfectionist tendencies any way so I with God's help want to be there to guide him on that path.
Statistics have their place but I refuse to allow them to weigh heavily on how my son with succeed. For now I will buy workbooks for the Summer and get hold of as many other free tools out there that will assist him as he progresses through the school system. He sees himself in College and so do I.
Leslie
Great response, Leslie -- it's so wonderful you are seeing your son for who he is and not some arbitrary idea of who he "should be." What a blessing that he has such an understanding mom! I'm so glad to hear he is thriving in school, too. It's great you are both thinking of college, too -- I understand colleges can be quite a bit more accommodating than some high schools and middle schools.
Leslie Porter said:
I know as an ADD Mom with a child that is ADD I err on the side of caution when equating much of the behavior of my tween (12 years) on the ADHD. I came up in a time when ADD wasn't given as a diagnosis. I also had some minor reading comprehension issues as well. Now at some point after remedial reading and feeling pretty dumb I turned a corner and went on to strive. I say all of that to say that I refuse to put my son in a box because he has or hasn't caught up to what society thinks he should.
I try to let my son know that in spite of any obstacles he has to face he has to do his best and trust God to provide him with all he needs to succeed. You know he is a miracle any way in that he was born way too early and has hardly made it onto the growth charts. At this day in time he is just now approaching almost 70 pounds and is about 4 ft 5 in give or take. I absolutely disliked being told by the Doctors that he would eventually catch up or maybe he wouldn't. My son has always marched to the beat of his own drum and done things in his own time. Do I as Mom sometime wish and pray that after the hundredth time remember to take the darn garbage and recycle out? Yes because on the flip side of that when it is something that he is really excited about I will get reminded to death about it. I call that his selective listening, doing and remembering.
I frustratedly march on and hold him to the same standards I always have which is to not forget his responsibilities and remember that the medication will only take him so far. I let him know that I will love him no matter what but I expect him to do as he should school-wise as well as everything else.
I know this is a long-winded response but I find to fight the fights I can win. My son thrived in Christian Private School and he thrives in Public School. I stay involved and like many of you keep on his teachers about how he learns and who he is as a person. I have so much love and respect for teachers but realize that they can't and in some cases won't get to know the individual that my child or any other child may be. That is where I believe I can be an advocate for my son.
How ever you all do it know that it will and should always be based on what you as a family believe is best for your child. Given the obstacles my son has had to endure as he enters his 13th year has me focused on the young man he is to become and not who someone wants him to be. He has some perfectionist tendencies any way so I with God's help want to be there to guide him on that path.
Statistics have their place but I refuse to allow them to weigh heavily on how my son with succeed. For now I will buy workbooks for the Summer and get hold of as many other free tools out there that will assist him as he progresses through the school system. He sees himself in College and so do I.
Leslie
DancerMom you are right about the accommodations of Middle School and High School but I am seeing that more and more parents are having to advocate for their kids in elementary school and that is very troubling to me. Who knows their child better than you. Having Elementary School staff collectively say that your child can't have an IEP is something that I can't except. I understand that not all kids require medication but they do all need some type of intervention.
Let's face it kids just don't have an "off switch" whether ADD or not. I can see that the medication has helped my son tremendously. I didn't want a stigma added to how he needed to cope with being ADD. I asked him one day if he could change one thing about himself what would it be. He told me he would wish not to be ADHD and you know I had to agree with him. In order to turn it around I told him that he had capabilities other kids did not. I told him that God made him just the way he was for a reason. I told him to remember that he is able to remember almost word for word what he reads and that is a blessing that he can and should use.
We need to turn our shortfalls (we all have them) into spring boards to something better. He really is no different that anyone else. I know some of the responses to him may be cliche but his self esteem is very important to me and this is a very delicate time during puberty. Why make his life more confusing than necessary.
My honesty with him about ADHD was meant to destigmatize what society and others want to stick on it. I refused to have him feel bad about something that wasn't his fault or mine. Honestly how many of us parents feel that we did something that caused our kids to have a disability or learning delay. I know it is something I fight daily. I say let the boy live and come into his own as God intended.
Leslie
Yes, and I have also heard from parents in my local school system that when their kids went on medication, the school considered that a 504 or IEP was no longer necessary.
One of the reasons we left our school system was that my kids were above grade level in every subject and therefore considered "too advanced" for a 504 or IEP. At the same time, I knew they were struggling and crying at the dinner table over homework every night. It broke my heart when the school held special Honor Roll parties my kids were excluded from because they received Cs in "Listening." I considered that they were being punished for having ADHD.
I do believe there are great things in store for our kids if they don't buy into the idea that they are "defective." Finding out and nurturing their passions is the key to a fulfilling life for them, I think.