I was wonerding how some couples deal with adhd i have it and my girlfriend broke up with me because i was calling her and texting her way to much now that we have found out was causeing me too do that so much she side she would have to see a big change in me before we got back together i also for that i ask her the same stuff over and over and i forget that i do it and what could i do to help with the issue
One practical suggestion I would have would be that you mutually agree on one time each day to call. 7 pm, for example. And that you don't text her at all. But let her set the rules -- whatever makes her comfortable. If you set a time, you can have an alarm on your phone to remind you when to call. When it's not the right time, you stay off the phone and let her have her space.
If asking the same question over and over is an issue, perhaps email? Because then you can recheck your inbox and look for the response.
She side she needs to see a big change.in me before we get back together as a.couple what are some things she can do to help me with this
Travis,
Perhaps finding someone who can love and accept you the way you are...and grow with you, both of you individually and together... might be a gentler way? I am with someone for ten years who is ocd... now that is a pairing! Ehem, not that I suggest it... but the extremes highlight the example of two people making it work and having laughs, oddities, growth, lots of forgiveness and love rather than expecting another to change for the relationship. If you are suggested as the sole problem in your relationship and the only one that has to change, then frankly, your selling yourself short here. Patience and understanding goes a long way on both sides for it to work.
Hi Travis, Even when someone I love has asked me to change, I haven’t always been successful. It’s certainly worth a try, though. Your girlfriend told you two things she didn’t like and you can work on those, but “big changes before you get back together as a couple” isn’t so clear. Start with the texting/calling and asking repeat questions. There’s sort of a rhythm of texting/calling balanced by responses, depending on the friend. She asked for less. I think Dancermom’s suggestion of asking questions by e-mail so that referring back to answers is possible, is a good one. Or enter the questions/answers in a calendar you can look back on.
If your ADD/ADHD diagnosis is recent, remember that each person has his/her own strengths, and don’t lose sight of yours! If you’re working with a doctor or counselor understanding a new diagnosis will be easier.
I am working with a doctor but i feel so alone rigjt now feel like given up
Being alone feels bad after a breakup. Why don’t you keep in touch here? Also, exercise and time in nature might recharge your batteries. My brain works better when I get a break from distractions and stress. Give your brain the time to work things out; it will happen. You have hit a rough patch. It’s a good time to have faith in yourself! Confide in your doctor. Keep in touch, Travis! We can encourage you.
I hope you do not give up Travis. While going through those rough waters, I remember not being able to cope very well with the intense feeling of loneliness, confusion and discouragement and I have made plenty of mistakes. I do not know if you realize how much courage and strength it takes to admit your feelings for what they are, just like you did.
Your feelings are normal in facing difficult things. I remember feeling like giving up when it seemed life was more than I could cope with. Unlike you, I couldn't admit it because I was too afraid and didn't have the right type of support systems and people in my life to help me accept my feelings for what they were and enlighten me to all of the tools and support available to me to go beyond where I was. I went through a very deep, double clinical depression (not knowing I had also adhd yet). My ex and family at the time (not understanding anything about depression) blamed me for my own depression, just as I had secretly did.
Frankly, it was the most horrible and loneliest place to exist without really understanding anything. I have come to realize that depression is what I had, not who I was. Adhd is what I have, not who I am. Understanding that difference made a huge difference in the way I felt and how much I healed. I did not realize how that cycle of depression worked because people (and even I) judged the symptoms of depression and adhd as character flaws. I had even judged my feelings (no feeling is right or wrong) and as crazy as it sounds, judging if I should be feeling the way I felt since I must somehow be to blame for everything I felt. A total cycle of self condemnation others do not understand unless having gone through it. But this is normal in depression. Only we don't have to accept it as our future and by dealing with it, like you are, helps build those steps. For me, meds helped tremendously to get me out of the rut. It was like night turning to day after a few weeks and I do not care what anyone else says, I will always use my tools if or when I need them. I enjoy my life now more than I ever though I could.
Travis, build your army of support. Be selfish (which is so not selfish but loving right now) and put yourself first to accept all the help you can from those around you and on these forums. You don't have to be alone in going through this, there are people who understand and will support you. And there is hope, we don't have to believe it for it to be true. Many times I didn't believe that, but yet still...there it was.
I really dont have any support samatha and my son is all. I have i have no other family i currently live at my volunteer fire dept because i have no other place to stay and i was going to her place and staying when she worked to watch my son i have not done that in two weeks and its driven me nut she dont know how much this is effecting me cant takemuch more i dont know how to get thru too her that all this aint my fault and i could get thru it better if we was in a relationship
Travis, I suggest you both get to couple's counseling as soon as you can. It will show her you are making an effort, and it can be very helpful having a neutral person help you both to work out problems. Being a volunteer firefighter says something great about you.
This morning i texted her and my son good morning and she relpied back ok what ever and the proceded to tell me look your texting me to much agine i dont think she will go withme to it
Dancermom i have been going to my couseling appointment once a week now and on meds for my adhd i have tried to limit my text and phone calls i dont know what else too do
Okay, so she needs space. You have to give it to her. But you also have to see your son. Go to counseling solo then, because you still need that neutral party to help you navigate this.
Travis, Dancermom’s suggestion makes sense. You have family responsibilities that a couples or family counselor will have experience with. My family needed that and it really helped. Your individual counseling can continue, too.
Yeah thats the thing trying to get her to do.this as a family thing is impossible right now i understand she needs her space but i cant get it across to her that we should not end our relationship because of it and that she needs to realize i cant do this alone
Travis, she is not responsible for your happiness and well-being; you are. If you lay that burden on her, of course she will run. Do not try to make her feel obligated.
You're right Travis, you need more supports rather than going it alone. Keep processing with others here and try to find local meeting groups through CHADD and Meetup. Face to face is very helpful.
If you cannot let her go for the meantime to work through things on your own, even though it is scary, you can only offer her your dependency on her. I think it is fair to say that all of you need more healing. Love demands more- that we respect boundaries and a right to choice in relationships. Boundaries, respect and our right to choose, is a foundation for healthy relationships. I am sure you want more for all of you. If you respect her boundaries and let go for awhile while working through your own healing and growing, you might be surprised at the outcome. If you do not respect her boundaries, you are not showing love or consideration for her as a person.
It is ok to be afraid. It is ok to feel lost. It is ok to not know the future. But you have to take responsibility knowing you are breaking her boundaries. Your child needs you now and in the future, no one can ever replace you. And he needs you to show him what boundaries, respect, love and healing is, even if that means that right now you have to step back from the relationship and work out things on your own for awhile.
An agreement isn’t possible right now, so you will need patience. While you are apart, arrange the external supports we have mentioned, because that’s what needs doing. It will be helpful, even if Samantha can’t go with you. Because counselors, family counselors, social workers, clinical support groups and DSHS see many, many people, they know the path to success in your particular community. Find out what that will be. The fastest way to help is to ask for it, not of Samantha, but of a professional who knows what to do if a couple is stuck but who want to make a plan to succeed with the parenting part. Am I understanding this situation correctly? Families often need guidance; you will find you are not alone in this. Please let us know your progress so we can encourage you. Congratulations in advance on your patience, which will be your friend. Us, too.
Travis, I hope the appointments with your counselor and your meds are working out well. I know you were also working on limiting your text message. These are all important and if you have a routine that will support these essential things, that’s excellent!
Artfish im trying so hard but im getting very little feedback from her she side she dont understand the adhd papers i have given her im to the point of given up whats the point any more i have tried so hard these past. Few weeks for showing a improvement