Well, I had twitches today for the first time. So that was weird. And they were involuntary.... really weird.
Jessica, you do not have to apologize for your ramblings. The one thing I know from joining this group already, and it has only been a week or even less, is that I am not alone. You are not alone. What you feel and how you feel is, unfortunately, natural for you. For me. For us.
I'll let everyone in on more of my story, since I also disclosed my depression and anxiety.
First, I struggled through school as a child and teen. I was as bright if not brighter than most of my peers. I somehow placed in advanced and honors classes, but because of my unknown ADHD, I couldn't keep up. I couldn't focus. I couldn't stay with the class. My mind was everywhere but where it should be. Somehow, by luck and the grace of God, I got into my first college (they had really low standards, lol) but I was able to do a bit better there. I don't know how I got through college, honestly. I was able to transfer to a great school, do well, and land the dream job right out the door. In fact, I wasn't even out the door yet; I was hired early in my senior year. I was accepted into a leadership development program at my company, again, I have no idea how I did that -- I guess my personality won people over in the interviews because my resume was definitely not on par with my peers from Ivy league schools! But that's when the ADHD became so clear and apparent. And at that time, I got married at a young 22 and it was my now ex-husband (yeah, don't get married at 22) who told me that he thought I had ADHD. He gave me a book about adult women and ADHD, and as I read it, my life flashed before my eyes. But I never sought help. Life events happened -- the divorce -- and my life fell apart. Work life struggled. Personal life struggled. Family life struggled. I wasn't myself anymore, at all. Somewhere between the ages of 22 and 27, I really went downhill and lost all of my identity. I didn't know who I was or what I was doing. And it has continued every day since then, and I am now 36. Thirty-six and JUST now getting the help I need.
I just spent 7 months out on medical leave from work because my depression, anxiety, and ADHD had consumed my life. I was lost; really, really lost. Monday is my first day back to work and I'm nervous as heck. Before I left work, I couldn't focus on any single task, I was so depressed sometimes (for no reason at all) that I'd just stare at my cubicle walls, I was mentally paralyzed. I've gotten help and I'm on a slew of medications that I wish I didn't have to take, but I'm ready to rejoin the world, and try once again at being a productive member of society. I'm hoping now that I know I have ADHD that I can identify when I'm having problems or trouble and find a solution, instead of just staring at those walls. I'm aware now, that I have a dysfunction and I accept it. I have to live through this and fight as hard as I can.
But as I type these words, I'm wanting to reach for that Ativan/Lorazepam because I feel my anxiety levels climbing, my blood rushing, and my heart pounding. I am nervous. I am scared. But I am going to try like I've never tried before!
So that is the high-level, 30,000 foot view of my situation. Of course it is more complex and detailed, but I don't want to write a book in one single post. LOL.
Jessica, I just want you to know that what you feel is not wrong and we (I) know you love your children. What you feel is one thing, it is what you do that is another. If you are doing everything in your power for your children, then you are being a good mom. I never like to bring religion into message boards or social media, etc., because every one believes something different (even me), but one thing I know for sure is that everything happens for a reason. Whether that is just fate, destiny, or God's will... you wouldn't have those two babies if you weren't meant to!
You want that bond with them, which is actually typical of boys & mothers. Believe me it is there; it is our illnesses that prevent us from accepting it, letting it in, feeling it, and then reciprocating. It is hard. My life has proven that as well -- I couldn't keep friends, boyfriends, or even a husband. My illnesses took away so much of my life. Or, shall I say my lack of knowledge about my illnesses took away so much of my life. I'm going to fight hard for awareness, learn all that I can, and try so hard to overcome this battle. I have to. I need to. I want to! Jessica, I know from your words you can and want to as well. Keep fighting and keep letting out your feelings. Let's talk anytime you want to or need to! I know I will need someone (y'all) to vent to on Monday as I try hard to get through the first day back to work. :-/
JJJ ADHD MOM said:
Johanna and Krista,
I too had twitches with it! HA! I also have battled with depression and anxiety my whole life... I wonder if the ADHD and the depression and anxiety go hand-in-hand. Growing up knowing and feeling different than others, being told you're different, and not being able to connect with people about it because you don't know what's wrong with you. I know I would sometimes get very frustrated with people because I could look at something, a problem or situation or a person, and either have an out-of-the-box solution that nobody else could see, a different view of my surroundings, or a sense about someone that was usually right on that others couldn't see or understand. My ADHD has been a blessing and a curse. I love viewing the world and all that's in it differently than others see it, although it's taken me a long time to understand that about myself. The downside is that I feel, inside, that I have so many things to offer but can never seem to get them to a finished product to show. Also,I feel I am really hard for people to love, and that's been shown to me most of my life. By parents, friends, teachers, co-workers, bosses, strangers, acquaintances, and so on. The last five years have been the best, yet hardest, of my life. I want to be the person I feel I could be, and yet, am not able to reach my potential or goals. My incredibly smart, sweet, and energetic ADHD son is even brighter than I ever shined, but he's already feeling, at a mere 5 years old, just how different he is. He doesn't understand, I don't know how to tell him without it sounding like he has something wrong, when he so much wants to be normal. We both also have EFD, Executive Function Disorder, that literally blocks linear thinking. It's new to him and me alike. I fear I'm not a good mother to my boys, have been told that I never would make a good mother by people that were closest to me my whole life. That's part of the reason I never planned on them, and then at 32 was VERY surprised, and scared to death, when I found out I was pregnant. I have cried many, many times believing I have and will be a horrible mother. I sometimes don't feel connected to them, or even like they're mine and I know how horrid that sounds! Trust me, I'm crying as I write it...I don't want it to be there, but it is (or isn't, as the case goes). Don't misunderstand, I love my babies, and would kill for them, I just don't know how to show it. I know that's just me, because I never have had that connection with people. I had hoped, though, that when it came to my 2 little men, that were actually a part of me at one point, there would be this bond or invisible umbilical cord of sorts (HA! & YUCK!) that would keep us tethered some how. I don't know what I'm saying exactly, or even if I make sense. LOL!
Please forgive my ramblings.
Thank you,
Jessica