Hi,my son was diagnosed with ADD in May last year.He has improved alot at school and in his wrestling class but he finds it hard to mix with other kids and appears to have very low self-esteem.Can anyone give me advise ? many times he doesnt want to leave the house.it breaks my heart because i worry about him always being alone and also being bullied.i would love to hear if anyone else is going through this or have been through this and ideas on trying to sort this out.
My son was diaganosed with ADHD in 1st grade (is now in 7th). He also has times of low self esteem- calls himself a loser and that he can't take it. kids sometimes call him a "retard" because he can't read social cues on certain things (actually he is quite smart but is very disorganized and has lots of late papers) He is never invited to sleep overs or birthday parties (unless the whole class is invited, which doesn't happen at his age anymore) It also breaks my heart to see this. I took him to a nurse practitioner this past summer and she put him on some Lexapro (anti depressant). i think a lot of kids with ADHD are also depressed. This has helped some. he received some counseling for that as well, but our therapist has moved and we are now going to start a new one this week. I think the being alone bothers me more than him sometimes so I am trying to accept it and not push him but it is hard. i just wanted you to know you are not the only one going thru this! wish i had more ideas for you!
Heck, I see a lot of adults with low self-esteem in the article comments online. (Mostly I read at www.ADDitudemag.com.) We are off-putting to people who can pick up on and implement social cues. (Research shows for us we usually know what to do, we just can't remember to do it or cannot make our brains do it. Our problem is in the motor cortex, so just teaching us social cues doesn't stick once we walk out of the classroom.) Being ostracized and unpopular is enough to make anyone depressed. Rejection after rejection makes you feel more and more like a failure. Bullying is even worse. It makes people downright suicidal.
The only effective thing I've discovered as a nanny/tutor is sending the young man to a school where there are other kids struggling with the same problems. They won't be making fun of each other, and they'll tend to be really supportive and accepting. At least that's what happened in this case. The young man really blossomed at that school - his mood got better, his behavior got better, he made friends, got invited to birthday parties, got more relaxed, slept better.. I should note that was also in part due to smaller class size where he could focus better and get more personal help. That school did not put the extra pressure of homework on him either, which was a real blessing since doing homework for hours each day was quite nearly beyond his capacity.
Since middle school youngsters are often brutal these days (and have always been cliquish and snotty), that's a particularly tough age. If you can find a different educational environment for him and get him some counseling as you are working on doing, those are two big keys. You might also find a local support group for him through NAMI (national association for the mentally ill). Print out the poster of famous ADHD achievers, locate biographical videos on them if you can, and watch them with him. Discuss all the qualities that made those minds great, and write and post a list on the fridge of all the advantages of having an ADHD mind (creativity, divergent thinking, intelligence, etc).
Yes, i agree with you on that one,that i worry more than my son....to be honest,i just wish i knew what was going on in his little head-he is very reserved and doesnt express how he feels.
Thanks for replying xxxx
Deb Birks said:
My son was diaganosed with ADHD in 1st grade (is now in 7th). He also has times of low self esteem- calls himself a loser and that he can't take it. kids sometimes call him a "retard" because he can't read social cues on certain things (actually he is quite smart but is very disorganized and has lots of late papers) He is never invited to sleep overs or birthday parties (unless the whole class is invited, which doesn't happen at his age anymore) It also breaks my heart to see this. I took him to a nurse practitioner this past summer and she put him on some Lexapro (anti depressant). i think a lot of kids with ADHD are also depressed. This has helped some. he received some counseling for that as well, but our therapist has moved and we are now going to start a new one this week. I think the being alone bothers me more than him sometimes so I am trying to accept it and not push him but it is hard. i just wanted you to know you are not the only one going thru this! wish i had more ideas for you!
My son doesn't like to tell me stuff either. Thinks i worry too much and over react and make things worse (I have the guidance counselor check in with him- which he hates) I just try to let him be him, and give him lots of positive reinforcements!!
As a parent, you're in a tough spot. I worked with teenagers for 14 years in a setting that offered time to really communicate with them. I quickly saw that as teens, the vast majority of guys and girls absolutely do not discuss with their parents even things that are of critical importance. If they choose to tell any adult at all, they will require a promise in advance that what they say cannot under any circumstances be shared with parents. This can be hard for parents to hear, since the child that you were so close with seems to have left the building. It hurts, even if you do know the teen years are supposed to be about separating out from the family as an important step to develop an independent sense of identity.
To guard them as much as possible from the poor decision-making of the teenage brain, however, parents need to bite the bullet and be sure other trustworthy adults or at least one is in the teen's life. Don't set it up overtly or hover, but indirectly keep an eye open. I know of one ADHD teen who was profoundly, seriously suicidal but didn't even let her parents see she was depressed. It happens more than most people realize. By not talking with her parents, she did not get the situational changes she needed, so her problems over time snowballed into a secret nightmare. She had a therapist; but she didn't trust the therapist because her parents had hired the therapist and were paying for the sessions. The teen suspected the therapist was already surreptitiously relaying what should have been private. Luckily, a conversation evolved with one caring, non-familial adult. She shared her suicidal intent, along with screaming and raging frustration, some chair throwing, and a long crying spell. Turns out she had immense rage and hopelessness bottled up inside. At least after that, changes could be made to help her.
So no matter how loving a parent you are, remember teens still love you too but are a different breed of cat. My suggestion would be to please be sure your teen has at least one non-parental adult they trust and talk with often in a casual setting, like a Girl Scout leader, a big brother, a mentor, aunt, or youth minister - any safe adult your teens can find trustworthy - which for teens means they can be trusted not to blab to parents. (Any safe adult should, of course, know the well-being of the teen trumps anything else.) With such a person in the picture, teens have a place to safely vent, and if they are making genuine plans to be done with all the stresses, there is a much better chance someone will become aware of the danger in time.