Behavior issues but punisn isnt working

Dear Friendx i have two childrn a son who is almost 20 and my daughter who is 11 my daughter has been diagnosed with A D D but she also had brain surgery for Chiari Malformation whkch means basicly her brain was compressed down onto her brain stem for a while causing intellectual and physical delays but my daughter has ckme long way with a lot of therapy ,but her behavior at school and at home is getting worse since she went back to school she seems so angry and frustrated she says she is frustrated and she doesnt want to do her work we have tried taking away her ioad for a day etc she used to ike school and her teachers i dont know how to get her to see this wll not bd tolerated my daughter is usually sweet and at least respecful to me but as she is maturing sge seems so angry and distant what can i do ??

Hi Paula,

Best wishes to you and your daughter for the tween and teen years ahead. Every child is different, but the trip to pre-adulthood is rocky for everybody, more or less.

Late in his teens my son told me that “All you care about is school. It’s all you talk about or ask about. You don’t even know me”. Good point. Blunt, too.

It might be helpful to identify a time for school work and try a routine. The school work time has to happen, say once or twice a day. If the focus is truly on the work during a set time, your daughter might get accustomed to it, then more able to identify the when, why, where of her strengths, challenges, and energy levels. School and work will always be important, sometimes really frustrating. Your daughter will find a better way to express that over time, but she needs to know what’s acceptable behavior for home and school.

All the new school, social, and internal experiences your daughter has during these years will generate all kinds of feelings. Understand that I tried my own advice late in the game, but you can create a time daily to be present for her as a listener, after homework and a few stretches maybe?, that opportunity will become a reliable one and communication might happen. Let her take the lead during that time.

I have a 27 year old who talks to me lots, and the 23 year old and I are still developing our skills, or I should say I am still trying. I like the listening time. When it doesn’t come naturally I make the effort in the moment. Turns out I need to practice it as a skill. I think it has helped. Do what works for you.

Paula, public school today in the US is a tough environment, with very few choices, not a lot of creativity, too much testing, and far too much homework. I don't know that it is all that good for our children, really. There are some options, Homeschooling is an option. Private schooling is an option. Or getting a psychologist and seeing if it helps with the current school environment is an option. Things can change again and get better, but there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Sometimes failure has to happen first, before a teen can make up her mind what she wants to do and go for it.

Hi Paula,

Has your daughter been able to identify what about school this year is unacceptable to her? Has school changed this year compared to last year? I hope you're working things out alright. Wishing you energy and patience :/

Artfish asks good questions. Why is your daughter angry? Does she say?

Hormones suck! Especially when mixed with ADD/HD!

With my son, we have tried to maintain close and consistent communication with classroom teachers. We have also worked out strategies for breaking school/homework into small parts, spread over several days or reducing the assignments to a less overwhelming amount. Like many children with ADD/HD, my son's MAJOR challenges are focus, time management, organization (not knowing where to start) and honestly, a total lack of interest in anything considered "work". I believe that by using these strategies we have modeled the importance of education and sent him the message, indirectly, that even though you face challenges, you are still expected to accomplish this, we will help and support you, and we will hold you accountable with the teacher BUT with no yelling, no threatening, no punishments!

Acknowledging her frustrations and building some positive experiences should help her to relax and become more open and flexible to school and homework:)

Thanks for your concrete suggestions! I'm glad the communication with teachers is working out, too.