Hello, new member. I think my 38 year old son may have ADHD. When he was a child we did take him to a counselor for behavior issues and the counselor told us that as long as he was good in school we had nothing to worry about....that he used home to release his anxiety and it was perfectly normal. Well that was years ago and in the past 6 months I have noticed things like he is figidity, loses his temper easily, seems anxious. He has no filter nor empathy. He also seems unfocused. He does have Graves Disease and thryroid problems. On many occasions I tried to tell him he needs to see someone and get on medication if necessary. Of course he doesn't have the problem....everyone around him does (me, his stepfather, brother, wife, inlaws etc) Well the other day he had another one of his outbursts over nothing....I left in tears and he kicked my husband out of the house. I told my Daughter in law that until he gets the help he needs we will no longer enable his actions. Of course my daughter in law no doubt bears a lot but doesn't say much. My heart breaks for my DIL she loves him and wants him to get help. She told me today that she is going to see a counselor to see if she can help him get the help he needs. She said she can not live like this nor does she want my grandson to grow up in turmoil. I can't blame her....she needs to do what she feels necessary. I love my son and always will but I am so tired of walking on eggshells afraid to say something to set him off. He has a good work ethic and never misses work.....I want him to get the help he needs....but right now I am worn down...(I can only imagine what my DIL feels like!!!!) Am I doing the right thing to distance myself from the situation? It's like no matter what I do he has a problem with me....just talking can lead to an argument!
Putting some space between yourself and your son makes sense. Next, prepare to reduce drama by making efforts to experience your calm and cool side because you will need to draw on this important resource. If you don’t want your son to come to your home where he’s been welcome before, you may not need to explain further. If the two of you address it again, you might try telling him how you feel when his bothersome behaviors arise. “I feel _____ when you _____”. “Therefore, I need my home as a calm sanctuary while I rest from (the most recent disruption).” I’m not a counselor, but you could ask one if you feel you need a plan.
I think moms see more dysfunction than the adult child realizes. He has examples from his life where he worked with a counselor, so he might seek it out himself. If he is bipolar he will no doubt experience symptoms in other contexts (has he mentioned anything?). Until he appreciates your concern, he’s on his own, and that’s okay.
Artfish made a great point, boundaries are important. Thyroid problems alone will affect emotional regulation problems, depending on the type and if properly treated. But who is to say why really, unless he chooses to take responsibility for the outbursts and wants to change it for himself. Good boundaries leads everyone to place responsibility where it needs to be and also helps all involved to deal with it. I am glad your DIL is going to get support.
I'll be frank here, telling him he needs to see someone and get on medication when he not asking for support or help or even willing to acknowledge a problem doesn't do anything for anyone... although I know your coming from a place of concern. Relationship dynamics are complex systems which is why we can only be responsible for ourselves and our own choices. I hope it works out for all of you.
Hi Chooky54, I’m just here to say I hope your family turmoil has settled down, and to ask how you’re doing. I have an adult son who was living with me for awhile, and as much as I love him I have to say that my dress level has gone down since he’s been away. I appreciate your discussion.
Hi Chooky54
I am sorry that things are so difficult for your family.
I would respectfully suggest that strong efforts be made to get your son to an Endroconologist for a thorough exam of his thyroid related issues. The physician needs to be aware of what is going on from a behavioral point of view.
Everything you described can be symptomatic of thyroid dysfunction while mimicking , anxiety, ADHD, depression and even the emotional upheaval of a bipolar disorder.
It might be useful to think about some family therapy sessions to help everyone deal with their feelings as well as prevent your son from being locked in to the role of the “identified patient” and problematic person.
Finally, the fact that he is consistent and responsible at work reflects some of your son’s strengths. It is important to draw hope and optimism from this important area of his life.
Family therapy worked well in my family. My kids were younger. Do it if you can. Thanks, Mordechai.