Thanks for the warm welcome Moderators. I’ll start by saying I am the mother of two sons with ADHD, ages 11 and 14. The older one “J” has mild-ish symptoms, mainly hyperactivity and inability to focus. He takes Concerta XR and is generally a happy kid with the occasional teen moodiness. He has lots of friends, does well in school and is generally compliant with requests to do chores and help around the house.
My younger son “K” has more severe symptoms including off the chart impulsivity, hyperactivity and oppositional tendencies. He takes Strattera and Focalin and behavioral therapy every 2 weeks. He has social anxiety and has a hard time making long-term friends. His first answer to any request is “no” whether he’s being asked to pick up shoes or something fun like going to play. In summary, he can be difficult to deal with.
To prevent conflict that can quickly escalate to major meltdown, I pick my battles with K…meaning that if he leaves his school things all over the living room, I’ll wait until he asks me for a snack or to play a video game and then make my request for him to pick up his things. If he picks them up, he gets what he wants.
The problem is that my older son sees K just drop his things and walk away, while if J did that I would immediately ask him to pick them up. This is a minor example…imagine this type of thing every day, multiple times a day. Bottom line is they are treated differently and I think J is starting to resent it. I have tried to explain that K’s brain works differently and I have to parent him differently but of course J still feels it isn’t fair. How do I make sure J doesn’t feel like K is getting preferential treatment?
kagordon, this situation really resonates with me, and probably a lot of other parents, too. I had twins with different types of ADHD, and one was a lot more compliant and cooperative than the other. I did not find a magical solution, but I do agree with you that measuring two very different kids by the same yardstick isn't the right way to go. But J is growing up and doing well, and it is probably time to offer him some special privileges. Say yes whenever you can to the things he wants to do -- time at friends' houses, going to a concert, staying up late on weekend nights on the computer, or whatever. Make it clear that these privileges were earned by his maturity and general helpfulness, and let him know often (out of K's hearing) how much you approve of him. Hopefully, that will help stave any resentment.
Thank you dancermom for your reply. Twins...Wow! You're right about J deserving special privileges, which he does get. I think I need to do a better job at connecting those special privileges with his behavior. Thanks again.
dancermom said:
kagordon, this situation really resonates with me, and probably a lot of other parents, too. I had twins with different types of ADHD, and one was a lot more compliant and cooperative than the other. I did not find a magical solution, but I do agree with you that measuring two very different kids by the same yardstick isn't the right way to go. But J is growing up and doing well, and it is probably time to offer him some special privileges. Say yes whenever you can to the things he wants to do -- time at friends' houses, going to a concert, staying up late on weekend nights on the computer, or whatever. Make it clear that these privileges were earned by his maturity and general helpfulness, and let him know often (out of K's hearing) how much you approve of him. Hopefully, that will help stave any resentment.
Actual allowance money might be a good choice, if he doesn't get that already. Or maybe a raise in allowance? It has the advantage of teaching fiscal responsibility, which a lot of teens lack, and delayed gratification, too.
Kagordon, you have your hands full.
I like Dancermom’s allowance money idea, partly because “J” can see the things that “K” is not required to do. It might interest “J” that there are important things he’s ready to learn that “K” can’t see yet. A friend of mine opened a checking and savings account with her son. She required that he deposit his allowance or gift money half into checking and half into savings. When the deposit to savings remained in the account for 6 months he could request that she add a (fixed) percentage of that deposit to either his checking or savings account.